I was enjoying a “Power Nap” in my comfy chair when my wife shook me awake, which is tough enough, and then she gave me some dreaded news.
“Joel, this letter came today. You have to go in for a colonoscopy.”
“Oh, goody” I said, not wanting her to notice my trepidation.
She replied, “It says you need to go and meet with the gastroenterology office and get instructions.”
Instructions, I thought, do they give instructions to people before they go before the firing squad or before they sit in the electric chair?
I hurried down to the medical office and I was given a prescription and a set of instructions. I was told that it is a very simple and pain free test. After they told me that they were going to put a camera probe contraption attached to a long tube and place it in a place I don’t want to discuss and it will travel up my colon, the image was enough to make me want to run off to a Caribbean island. Is that the same thing the “Roto-Rooter”® company does to sewer drains? Why am I going to put myself through this? I’m not feeling sick.
I really cannot bear the thought of leaving my “Comfy Chair” and my wide screen TV unless it’s to do something fun and I’m thinking this does not qualify. And what does Colonoscopy Prep mean exactly? I went to my pharmacy and I walked out with a gallon jug of a liquid that I am supposed drink in a short period of time. A gallon! I have never sat down and consumed a gallon of milk or soda pop.
When I was young man I thought I drank a gallon of beer out of a keg at my bachelor’s party, but I am sure I didn’t, it just felt like it the next day.
Better yet, I was told I could not eat anything for a whole day before and the morning of the test. Who wrote these instructions? Did this person develop interrogation methods for a third world country? Was this reverse water boarding?
The night before the test, I followed the instructions and took my first drink. It reminded me of lemon flavored Epson salt. I have never consumed Epson salt, but it would taste like this for sure. I kept drinking and then an urge came over me to go to the bathroom and sit on the throne.
More drinking, more urges, endless urges. I spent more time on the throne than on my “Comfy Chair.” I became concerned that I might overwhelm my septic system!
If this is how this Doctor makes me feel when I am healthy, how will I feel if I get sick? I was up most of the night in an endless round trip to the throne and back. I felt like Bill Murray in the movie “Ground Hog Day.” It just kept repeating.
Morning came; we drove to the hospital, making a few stops on the way.
I was asked if I had followed the instructions, “Yes, I am on empty, starved and sore, please put me out of my misery, get this over with.”
The nurse laughed. The doctor came in to calm me down and explain the procedure. He stated how easy the test would be and then off he went, whistling a happy tune. Then off I went, they wheeled me into a bright room with lots of noises and lights going on and off, and of course, a wide screen TV. Well at least I can try to enjoy a movie or something, nope. They started some kind of IV that they had set me up for in my room and asked me to count backward from 10.
“10, 9, 8,” and that is all I remember about the test.
I woke up back in my room. The doctor came in and told me every thing was ok, but that they found two polyps and cut them out.
“Ok, can I go and eat something now?” I asked.
He answered, “Yes, all you want, enjoy yourself!”
Finding the polyps and getting them taken out may protect me from getting colon cancer so I guess in the end (sorry for the pun) everything came out ok (ditto). The test was the easy part; it wasn’t so bad after all. If you are over 50 or have a family history of colon cancer, please check with your doctor, it may just save your life.
On to my “Comfy Chair” and a much needed nap!
“Remember, every day is a gift! Some are just a little more fun to open than others. – © Joel M. Vernier Author of: “The Guinea Pig In The Freezer”. joelmvernier@aol.com
