I Was at The Hospital And Walked Into A Surgeon’s Office
“Can I help you?” the surgeon asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth,” I replied.
“Well you probably want to see a psychiatrist for that,” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied.
The surgeon looked confused. “Then… why are you here?”
“The light was on.”
Best Dad Joke of The Year
A father wanted to prove that he is not just some boring house Dad, so he went and got his first tattoo.
When he got home, he excitedly showed it off to his wife and kids.
“Oh, cool! It’s… uhh?” his wife asked.
“It’s my thermos! From work!” he replied proudly.
His daughter starts to reach out towards him and says, “Well, uh, the line work is certainly…”
Dad slaps her hand away and says, “Don’t touch the thermos tat!”
Priest and taxi driver arrive at the pearly gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. “Thank you,” the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
“St. Peter, I’m a little puzzled,” the priest began. “As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?”
St. Peter smiled. “Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
Are These Plates Clean?
A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate is not clean. So, he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore.”
Later that day, they went out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the man’s grandfather’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
His grandfather shouts, “Coldwater, get out of the way!”
A German Shepherd, Doberman and Cat Died and went to Heaven
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”
“Good,” says God. “Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?”
The Doberman answers: “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.”
Ah,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”
Then he looks at the cat and asks, “And what do you believe in?”
The cat answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”