One sleepy evening, I was settled into my “Comfy Chair,” the television was on, and I was listening to a show and intensely studying my eyelids when I was abruptly jarred out of my relaxation; I HEARD A MOSQUITO BUZZING AROUND MY EAR! Primal fear & adrenalin shot through my body as the “Fight or Flight” instinct kicked in. I quickly grabbed a book off the table and slammed it onto the side of my head! It hurt a lot, but it would have been worth it if I squished a Mosquito! But no, I heard the high-pitched buzzing in my other ear. The word Mosquito translates to “Little Fly” in Spanish & Portuguese. In my mind, it translates into “Little Bloodsucking Mini-Vampire!”
My wife shouted from the kitchen, “Did you get the mail like I asked when you went to the store today?” I replied: “No, I did not!” “I will run out and get it right now!” I knew I had to go out and get the mail. It was dusk, almost dark outside. Fear struck deep within me; the mosquitoes were waiting. There will be blood! I must prepare myself to ward off these bloodsucking little beasts. I looked for my “Cloaking Device” to ward off the little vampires, but it has not been invented yet. I approached the closet, grabbed the Skin So Soft, and sprayed it on. Next, I sprayed on the deepest woods deet repellant. I placed two mosquito-repellant wristbands on my arms. I clipped on the battery pack repellant. I quickly swallowed two vitamin B12 Tablets and a spoonful of garlic and then took a large bite of a Spanish onion. Then I rubbed on a concoction of essential oils! Next, I placed my special mosquito-proof hat with netting on my head. I’m ready to go out into the now Mosquito-infested night.
As I stepped onto the sidewalk into the murky darkness, I imagined myself in the scene from the movie “Pitch Black.” You know, the “Vin Diesel” one with the 11-foot tall bloodsucking monsters standing around getting ready to attack, and after all, “Vin Diesel” and I do sport the same hairstyle. I flipped on my trusty flashlight and headed for the mailbox. And then it happened; I heard the high-pitched whining, buzzing sound of mosquitoes. This irritating sound reminds me of the dentist’s drill or someone’s fingernails screeching across the blackboard. There is nothing like trying to take a nap or to try to fall asleep, and as you are about to drift off, far in the distance, you hear an indiscernible noise. You begin to try to recognize the soft buzzing, and your mind, like a supercomputer, starts making millions of computations to identify what the sound is. As it gets louder, your mind identifies the culprit: a Mosquito! You try to ignore the sound, but it suddenly stops, and again you wait to sense if the little sucker is biting you. Sometimes, I find myself sitting and waving my arms around my head like the robot from “Lost In Space!”; “Warning, Warning, Will Robinson!” As I continue my trek into the evening, the sound becomes louder and louder. There must be hundreds, thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of the little vampires all around me.
One thought occurs to me; Do not Trip! If I should fall, they will converge on me faster than a school of hungry piranha in the Amazon River in South America. I remember watching an old movie where a cow tried to cross the river. These red and gray fish with large, gnashing teeth attacked it, stripping the meat off the bones in minutes! It reminded me of a 4th of July Rib eating contest! I grabbed the mail and darted like a jackrabbit down the driveway; I leaped over the uneven sidewalk so I would not trip and dashed into the house. I’m safe in the safety of my window-screened home.
My wife grabbed the mail and said, “Thanks for getting the mail; now go take a shower; you smell like a mountain man with all that deet and stinky stuff on you!” I showered off, got dressed, and settled into my “Comfy Chair,” exhausted. I closed my eyes, and I began to drift off to sleep when, suddenly, I heard a sound. My mind, once again, identified the high-pitched whining, an insidious buzzing sound. I was not alone! Please remember to take reasonable precautions to protect yourself from mosquitoes this year!
“Remember, every day is a gift! Some are just a little more fun to open than others!” – Joel Vernier, Author of “The Guinea Pig In The Freezer!” © Joel M. Vernier, June 27, 2025
