A lovely April afternoon unfolded; it was sunny, windy, and warmer. It is unusually warm at times this season, making it a great time for catnapping. As I was relaxing in my comfy chair, my wife yelled, “Joel, get out of that chair. We have to go to the neighbors so they can give us instructions on how to care for their cats while they go on vacation.” I hope my chair did not hear her comment, “That chair.” I love my chair. “Ok,” I yelled back, “on the way.”
We arrived at our neighbors, and they began the oral instructions. The session lasted 30 minutes, followed by written instructions on paper, engraved instructions on stone tablets like the 10 Commandments, and a link to a video recording of their instructions on YouTube. Next, a list of their cell phone numbers, hotel number, and a list of restaurant phone numbers they plan to dine at that we can call, just in case we have any questions about the instructions.
We were told the cat should be in the home during the day.
The stereo in the house should be set on talk radio to keep the cat company. The heat should be turned up during the day to 70 degrees so the cat will nap. I guess at 68 degrees, the cat won’t nap.
In the evening, we were told to take the cat to the shed out back, about 50 yards from the house. Apparently, the cat likes to shred furniture at night. Next, we were instructed that the cat does not like going to the shed. We were directed to put on some heavy fireplace gloves and a football helmet to protect ourselves from the cat because he will bite and scratch on the way to the shed. What the heck, is this a house cat or a cougar? The kitty is obese, and we should not feed him more than one tablespoon of cat food in the morning or at night.
Once in the shed, turn on the heater, which is set at 70 degrees, and turn on the television touch play on the VHS player (Yes, I did mean VHS Tape Player) to keep the cat company. The VHS player will keep cycling the movie repeatedly all night. The film, of course, is Disney’s “Aristocats.” Also, Leave the light on and scatter some food on the floor to attract mice so the kitty will play with them and then consume them. Please keep a tally of how many mice are eaten. Do not allow the cat to eat more than three a night. How do we manage that? Leave the cat a note? Hey Tabby, eat only three mice per night, play with the others, and let them go. That would be like ordering two pepperoni pizzas cause they were BOGO, By One Get One Free, and then only eating one during the game. Good luck with that! The cat was cared for 2 times a day, or more often if we were out and about driving by, then we did a quick check-in. On one of those check-ins, We found 3 mouse heads on the floor, and the cat had a fourth mouse in her mouth! I put on the fireplace gloves and wrestled with the cat to extract the mouse from the kitty’s mouth so she would not go beyond the 3 a day.
So, a month went by without a cat-as-trophy, just a few bites and scratches on my wife. Our neighbors returned and called us to tell us to complain that their cat had gained ½ a pound. I wonder how many mice a night that translates into? I decided that I did not like the term catnap anymore. So, I took a siesta and thought about my favorite Mexican restaurant.
“Remember, every day is a gift! Some are just a little more fun to open than others!” – Joel. Author of “The Guinea Pig In The Freezer”
© Joel M. Vernier April 20, 2024
