Talking Frog
A 72 year-old guy loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
With age comes wisdom.
The Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my Brother-in-law.”
Family Ties
My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one.
“Why don’t you work for your mother?” I suggested.
He shook his head. “I can’t,” he said. “Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives.”
“Who made up that ridiculous rule?”
“My mother.”
]
Eat the Colors
Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. “The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,” I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, “How many different colors do you see?”
“Six,” volunteered my daughter. “Seven if you count the burned parts.”
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Mom’s Call
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
“Hi!” It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
“Mom,” I interrupted. “It’s five in the morning.”
“Really? What are you doing up so early?”
]
Unused Gift
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it. “What are you complaining about?” he fires back.
“You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.”
]
Family Restaurant
The night we took our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time, my husband ordered a bottle of wine. The server brought it over, began the ritual uncorking, and poured a small amount for me to taste.
My six-year-old piped up, “Mom usually drinks a lot more than that.”
]
Rare Phone Call
My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings.
“Mom, I call all the time,” I said. “If you had voicemail, you’d know.” Soon after, my brother installed it for her.
When I called the next time, I got her message: “If you are a salesperson, press one. If you’re a friend, press two. If you’re my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack.”
]
Cool Family
I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to “be cool.”
As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, “Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?”
]
Out of Tune
While driving on the highway, my daughter noticed a child in the window of a car in the next lane, holding up a handwritten sign that read “Help.”
A few minutes later, the car passed her and she again glanced at it. The little boy held up the same sign and this time followed it with another, which read “My mother is singing!”
]
Change in Appearance
While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and ask my son, Joshua, “Who’s that?”
“That’s my mom,” Joshua answered.
“Wow,” the man said, “my mother doesn’t look like that.”
“Yeah,” my son said, “well, neither does mine.”
]
Maybe You’d Prefer Spin Class
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.—Milton Berle
Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/one-liners/maybe-youd-prefer-spin-class/#ixzz2RKtG9JKz
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