Note: Laughing Buck is a compilation of short funnies.
George Carlin Quote
Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Of funerals and septic fields
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for 20 years.”
Marketing Speak
T
ipper Gore discovered that her husband’s great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.
The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”
After letting President Clinton’s large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al’s campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther’s picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:
“Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed.”
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says “Hey did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!”. The other cow replies “Good thing I’m a helicopter”.
Barrels of water
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Fireman’s Dog |
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“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
“Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”
‘A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy.”
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It’s Free, This is Heaven |
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When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.
Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
Why do vikings never send e-mails?
They prefer to use Norse code.
Tap Water
PVT: “Excuse me, Drill Sergeant?”
DS: “What is it?”
PVT: “Drill Sergeant, I cannot drink the tap water.”
DS: “Why not?”
PVT: “The impurities make me ill, Drill Sergeant.”
DS: “Ill?”
PVT: “Yes, Drill Sergeant. I can only drink bottled water.”
The Drill Sergeant paused a beat, unbelieving. Then he gestured at a nearby private.
DS: “Private XXX, go and help Private Tapwater fill up his canteen, and make sure that he drinks it. There’s nothing wrong with that water!”
For the rest of the Basic Training, he was known as Private Tapwater. The other screw ups like me were so glad to have him there, it saved us a lot of ‘personal attention’ from the Drill Sergeants. Thank you again, Pvt. Tapwater!
QUOTES
Tap Water
PVT: “Excuse me, Drill Sergeant?”
DS: “What is it?”
PVT: “Drill Sergeant, I cannot drink the tap water.”
DS: “Why not?”
PVT: “The impurities make me ill, Drill Sergeant.”
DS: “Ill?”
PVT: “Yes, Drill Sergeant. I can only drink bottled water.”
The Drill Sergeant paused a beat, unbelieving. Then he gestured at a nearby private.
DS: “Private XXX, go and help Private Tapwater fill up his canteen, and make sure that he drinks it. There’s nothing wrong with that water!”
For the rest of the Basic Training, he was known as Private Tapwater. The other screw ups like me were so glad to have him there, it saved us a lot of ‘personal attention’ from the Drill Sergeants. Thank you again, Pvt. Tapwater!
