Think you are having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
The Hand of God
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked…”doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”
“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”
Ring Barer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
“I’m not paying,” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I’m not breaking it.”
“I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer.
“Then the duck’ll have to pay,” said the skunk.
“Getting here cost me my last scent.”
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness –and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
- Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
- If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.
- Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
- Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
- If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
- Sadly, all men are created equal…
