A 72 year-old guy loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
With age comes wisdom.
The Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my Brother-in-law.”
In the Eye of the Beholder
One day I watched my two grandsons, ages 6 and 3, while my daughter had her hair done. When she arrived home the 6-year-old told her how beautiful she looked. Then he looked back at me and said, “And Gramma, you look almost beautiful.”
My 4-year-old grandson was looking at a photo album with his mom, when he saw a picture of her with a big tummy. He asked her why she was so big, and she answered that he was in her tummy. He looked from the picture to her tummy several times, then said, “Mommy, did you swallow me?”
My 8-year-old granddaughter and I were having one of our art sessions. She needed a pair of scissors but the only ones around were a filigree-handled heirloom. I passed her the beautiful scissors and asked her to take good care of them because they meant a lot to me. “Are they old?” she asked. Excited that she seemed interested in their history, I explained that they belonged to my mother and my mother’s mother. “Well, that explains it,” she said.
“Explains what?” I asked.
“Why they don’t work.”
My husband and I were vacationing on St. John, U.S. Virgin Islands, with our son, daughter-in-law, and 3-year-old grandson. The roads on this tiny island are narrow and not always paved, and the ride can be quite bumpy. We were in the car, with our son driving, and he said, “There are actually only three roads on this whole island.” Then our grandson piped up from the back seat: “And this isn’t one of them!”
My 5-year-old granddaughter was riding with us to the airport and as she listened to the female voice from the GPS give us directions, she asked, “How does she know where we are going?”
You Can’t Take Them Anywhere
My 3-year-old granddaughter, Madelyn, was out for breakfast with us while our schnauzer, Whiskey, waited in the car. Madelyn is a very chatty little girl and talked with our server the entire time. When we finished our meal, the server asked her what we were going to do next, and Madelyn — standing up in the booth for all to hear, of course — said, “Well, we have Whiskey in the car…”
I took my 6-year-old grandson to his favorite steak restaurant. Being very grown up, he ordered everything for himself. When the waiter asked him how he wanted his steak, he replied with a puzzled look, “You know … on a plate!”
“Hey Grandma, why don’t you and Grandpa have names like the rest of us?”
Driving my 6-year-old grandson home, I spotted a lady crossing the street with her dog. “Matthew,” I said, “Look at the cute little French poodle over there.”
“Gammy, how do you know he’s French?”
My 5-year-old grandson didn’t love his mother’s newly bleached hair, which had gone from dark brown to almost white. “Gomma,” he said, “I liked my Mom’s hair better when it matched her eyebrows.”
I’m gray now, but I used to dye my hair and sometimes it would come out a bright red-orange. When I was out with my 4-year-old grandson one day, a lady complimented him on his beautiful red hair. “It’s orange,” he said. “And sometimes my grandma’s hair is orange, too.”
How Old Are You Now?
My 3-year-old granddaughter once asked me, “Grandma, how old are you?”
“How old do you think I am?” I asked.
“Ten. You are 10.”
“Nope,” I said. “I’m soon going to be 60 years old.”
“Sixty?!” she replied. “I don’t know THAT number!”
One day my son, his wife, and my 3-year-old grandson were eating out with us and a man they knew stopped by the table. My grandson said, “This is my grandma,” and the man said I didn’t look old enough to be a grandma. Then my grandson replied, “Oh, she’s old enough!”
You’re Only as Old as You Feel
All the grandkids were swimming and 7-year-old Madison asked if I was going to wear my swimsuit, too. I teasingly told her that I was going to put on my bikini. Her eyes sparkled and she said, “Cool! People your age will think you’re hot!”
My 3-year-old granddaughter, Eva, came into the kitchen and said, “Old lady, would you help me wipe my hands?” I was taken aback and my daughter asked her why she called me that. Eva answered, “Well, she calls me ‘young lady.'”
When my granddaughter was 2, I watched her almost every day. That meant that I needed to follow through on the potty training she was getting at home. One day while she was on the potty, I went in to check on her and said, “Don’t forget to wipe!” She said, “Oh, I did that first!”
My newly potty-trained granddaughter was in a public restroom when she heard the person next to her start to tinkle. She clapped her hands and shouted in encouragement, “Yeah, lady!”
The Last Word
One day, I was playing with my 4-year-old grandson and his race-car set. Later, he was doing something that wasn’t allowed. After three warnings, I yelled at him to stop. He came over to me with a long face, head down and lower lip quivering, and climbed on my lap. He said, “I still like you, Nana, but if you talk to me like that again, you may not be able to play with my race-car set anymore.”
When my granddaughter was 4, I told her she was growing up too fast and needed to slow down. “But it isn’t my fault, Grammy,” she replied. “It’s my mom’s fault. She keeps giving me all those birthday parties.”
I once asked my granddaughter if she knew what her whole name was. Proudly she stated, “Fallyn Reese Lorimer Come Here.”
My 3-year-old grandson and I were talking on the phone, but I couldn’t make out all that he was saying so I kept asking, “What?” until finally, exasperated, he said, “Grandma, you’re not listening loud enough!”
While the kids were visiting one weekend, we all awoke before their grandpa and decided to make him some coffee. After he woke up and had a sip, he went on about how good it was. I told him that was because it was made with love, but our 3-year-old granddaughter exclaimed, “No, it wasn’t! It was made with water!”