From the Comfy Chair: Crisis – Out of TP

Joel Venier

On a late summer afternoon, I was relaxing in my comfy chair getting ready for a much deserved nap (when your retired a nap is always ‘Much Deserved’). I was abruptly interrupted when my wife shouted from the bathroom.

“Joel, we are down to our last roll of TP.”

I agreed to run to town and buy some bathroom tissue before we are all out! After all there is some urgency to this request, when you are out or toilet paper in this day and age there is really nothing to replace it! There is no substitute, you may have a lot of other paper products in the house, but none can replace the ‘TP Roll’.

You probable have Kleenex tissues but they cannot be flushed down the toilet especially if you are on a septic system. It goes for dinner napkins, paper towels or moist wet wipes. In the distant past they used wool, corncobs, goosenecks, snow and even today many use plain water. I jumped out of my ‘Comfy Chair’ this is a serious situation!

“Okay, on my way!”

I drove the 15 miles to town, a 30-mile round trip – one of the obstacles to living in a rural.

I walked into the store stopping to saying hello to several people I know and arrived at the bathroom tissue aisle. I looked around the aisle and I was shocked at all of the choices available in toilet paper. Really how many choices do you need to take care of a simple biological process?

I thought back to the ‘Olden Days’ when you would simply walk out to the outhouse with the Sears & Roebuck catalogue and take care of business while you shop. Yep in those days multitasking meant you could complete your task, shop, and be intellectually stimulated, one page at a time. My dad told stories about the commode under the beds of his mom and sister that the ladies would use during the night, and of course he would have to empty it in the morning.

I asked him: “Dad, why did you have to empty it?”

He replied: “Just lucky I guess!” He also stated that he never used one himself; he would just head to the outhouse. If that is living off the grid, I think I’ll stay living on the grid thank you.

Wow, look at all the choices. There is soft, ultra soft, extra soft, strong, ultra strong, ultra plush, and silky. One-ply, two-ply, three-ply… What’s next steel-belted? There is scented toilet paper. And of course colors: There is white, off white, multi-color, pink, lavender, beige, blue and decorative style. There is ‘Clean Ripple’ and paper embedded with hand lotion. They sell paper that promises no dangling particles. Is that like hanging Chad’s?

Whole Foods even has its own toilet paper, I wonder if it is organic? It is defiantly recycled! There is Natural, and “Angle Soft”, how do they know how soft an Angel is?

I was getting dizzy looking at all the choices so I purchased two kinds; an ultra-soft, scented multi-ply with pretty embroidery for my wife’s bathroom, and the cheapest paper I could find for my bathroom; after all I am just going to flush it into the septic tank, right? Crisis diverted, time for my nap!

“Remember, every day is a gift! Some are just a little more fun to open than others. – Joel

Author of: “The Guinea Pig In The Freezer”. joelmvernier@aol.com

© Joel M. Vernier August 22, 17

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